Covert 19

To see the photograph of the new 45 year old Head of MI5 Ken McCallum was slightly concerning. Gone are the days of Ian Fleming whose M was for mysterious and George Smiley that tinker who would wipe the smile off many a face. Now we announce the Head with photograph just to ensure that all or any enemies of the State can recognise him in his local Waitrose. Or is he a mere puppet on a string in another master class of that Ipcress Individual. Sheer brilliance or sheer madness I’m not sure.

Yet covert 19 operations out of Covid 19 continue to haunt us this time on the roads. In 2018 the UK Automative Industry generated £18.6 billion in value to the UK economy, broadly 10% of the per annum cost of running the NHS. Revenue from fuel duties last year contributed £28 billion. Over the last 14 years Congestion Charges from the 87,000 vehicles into the City has contributed £1.7 billion to the coffers. Compare that to the zero revenues raised from the bicycle. Think of totally free wheelers spinning their way through the City for nothing. Bike parking is also free unlike the £454.4m in London parking charges generated from those 4 wheels. In short zilch from the bike and it’s very angry riders.

The drive to drive the car out of London has concentrated itself in the last 6 months. 20 mph speed restrictions with single lanes narrowed to allow free cycle lanes. Park Lane North and South one way leading to a snail pace across the Monopoly Board. Everything from dust trucks to white van man to taxis and cars all crammed into a snail pace journey.

Today I parked in Chelsea outside the congestion zone for 6 hours for £42. Had I crossed into the park add £25 for C Charge and ULEZ then add the fuel to get around , no change out of £100 a day. London wants the revenue but not the car. A journey tonight from Brompton Road to Hammersmith exit west normally 15 to 20 minutes took one hour 15 minutes. Even the Police at the BP station Hammersmith were exasperated as blue light passage completely failed. Gasping for water the officer told me ‘ no one wants to use public transport. No fear of speeding at the snail pace 3 miles per hour, even the Police could be redundant. As for the Mayor why doesn’t he just ban the car from entering the City and give us all bikes. China once all bikes is now all cars and Britain once all cars is now all bikes. Where there’s a wheel there’s a way. But I’m tyred out I’m punctured by the policy and surrender to the madness. We will all keep fit but go bust at the same time.

As for the taxi drivers there are no tourists no business people to ferry around and they are thwarted by the pandemic , black cabs darkened by the cry for help. It’s a tragedy the death of the city, horse and cart era over, motor car era finished. Is the strategy to drive us all mad and out of town or does Mayor Kahn want us to beg for tarmac ?

The whole thing is a mess and I haven’t ridden a bike since 12 years old. Please help the motorist and pronounce sanity to return. Even the traffic lights have been slowed and I detect frustration everywhere, many a Michael Douglas out there waiting at the hip. Will Boris and his Boris bikes best me into submission or can I run safely back to where we got too. We are on a journey back to Penny Farthing away from Porsche. We are going backwards pedalling like crazy.

Even James Bond can’t get a decent take on the road and we are desperate for a new street. The journey to M’s office in the Aston Martin to Bond’s Chelsea home will take 40 minutes and and Dr No with Goldfinger will be unable to make a quick getaway. Meantime this cyclists who can pedal will be the new escapee and kids on the block.

All done by the Government in a discreet and unpleasant way, sneaking and twittering with lots of white paint and markings as they redirect our lives into a Mao like Move. If all else fails we can look up and deliver providing we don’t all fall asleep at the wheel.